This one’s another repost to save another small chunk of the world’s fine digital heritage before deleting the old Articles section. It’s the last one. After five and a half years, there’s *two* bits of writing worth saving. And they’re both about going to the toilet.
If the Internet starts getting a bit full, do let me know. I could probably stand to clear out a bit of space over here.
Some of these will only be possible for males – it’s a perspective thing. I am male. I have no intention of speculating on what goes on in Ladies’ toilets. You can try them in public toilets or even at work.
Don’t unzip. Just stand at the urinal starring at it intently. If anyone attempts to ask what you’re doing, just snap at them saying "Do you mind? I’m trying to concentrate."
Laughing at Noises
Laugh openly when someone in a cubicle farts or drops one. An interesting variation on this one is to clap rather than laughing.
Explain the Process of Smelling
When the toilet smells bad, explain to anyone who will listen that your sense of smell works by tiny bits of the thing you’re smelling breaking off and ending up in your nose. Thanks go to my boss for pointing this one out to me one day.
Toilet Roll Roll
When one or more cubicles are occupied, go to an end cubicle, and roll a toilet roll through all the cubicles under the partitions. Make sure it’s the right way around so it unravells as it rolls, leaving each person looking at a length of paper across in front of them.
Hide in a cubicle, humming a particularly annoying and catchy tune whilst other people use the facilities. They’ll be stuck with it for the rest of the day.
Hotel Toilet Roll
Whenever you go to the toilet, leave the end of the roll folded into a triangle, like they do in hotels. If you’re in a hotel, make aeroplanes or hats out of the end of the toilet roll in an attempt to lure the maids into an origami challenge.
Lay a length of toilet roll out with part of it in the bowl and the rest stretched out in front like a tongue. Flush, and the ‘tongue’ will be pulled back into the toilet. See how long you can make the tongue and still have it pulled back in with a single flush.