Work : Reception Athletics

Some people aren’t able to simply visit a building, converse with the receptionist, and allow themselves to quietly be despatched to whoever they’re visiting, without fuss, like normal people are. They have turn it into some kind of sport. There are only a few so far, probably owing to the fact I’ve only had a few spare moments this week to think them up, but the most popular sports observed at reception desks around the world include:

Hatch Gymnastics – The object of this event is for the player to lunge as far through the reception hatch as possible. There are many theories on the purpose of this event, including:

– sneaking a peek at the receptionist’s computer, in the hope of spotting some sneaky internet activity or a glimpse of information that will give them the competitive edge in the meeting they’re about to attend.

– establishing a more dominant, alpha male stance over the receptionist to try and claim the power in the conversation. This is pointless, especially if the gymnast is a sales rep. The receptionist, as far as outside visitors are concerned, is the most powerful individual in the company.

– attempting to get as much of the body into the hallowed space behind the reception desk.

Hatch Gymnastics is an event that makes visitors who participate in it appear arrogant and forceful. Despite this, it’s a popular event, favoured particularly by strong-odoured blue collar types.

Pocket Billards – This is an activity favoured among nervous executives, and creepy management wannabes. Pocket Billiards has a well-deserved bad reputation owing to its resemblance to masturbation. Players are blacklisted by receptionists and their names are passed between office buildings to ensure all front desk staff know what to expect when players come to their areas (sorry, bad choice of words there). Some receptionists have taken to displaying signs, and some shout "Please, stop playing with your bollocks.". There are calls for an outright ban on Pocket Billiards, and a coachload of receptionists were due to visit Parliament last week, but the trip was cancelled due to a lack of people willing to cover the front desk in their absence.

The Relay – This event is popular with both sexes, with female seniors being particularly skilled. The relay involves arriving at the wrong building, being directed to the correct building, only to return to the wrong building again. Also known as ‘Bungee Bugging’.

Hide and Seek – Simple, quick and incredibly annoying for both the receptionist and the numpty sent down to meet the visitor, Hide and Seek involves introducing yourself to the receptionist, watch them make the call – then disappear! Fun for you, annoying for them! Now *that’s* sport!

More sweeping generalisations from the front desk soon.

These comments are based on observations made at various reception desks and do not necessarily relate to the reception I work at now. I love my job and you people who visit me are all lovely. Please don’t sue or sack me. Thanks.