2006-10-12
12:52
Squee 101: The Basics Part 3: The Look
This is a favorite part of squee for all of us fan girls, the look. Let’s assume that our guitar boy has passed our other basics tests – he has the talent, and he has the lyrics sorted out and a good singer…now the big question: Will his look crack the polish on your toenails, fry your brain cells and dissolve you into a puddle of squee? If the answer to that is yes, then you are on the ride to squee nirvana!!!
I think it is safe to assume that everyone who reads this site knows already what trips my trigger and sets me off into bewildering amounts of squeeage, so I’ll just keep using them as examples. You insert your hero accordingly…
The body frame. Classic rock and roll bodies DO IT for me. I have limitless screamies for really small frames. If you are built like a rugby player, body builder, or have a lot of weight on you, I’m out. Give me Jimmy Page and let me wrap myself around those sexy little hips, and kiss that perfect flat tummy….ooooo yeah!! And, as Steven Tyler put it, “not a lot of grass on the playground†meaning he doesn’t look like he needs to be on the other side of the monkey cage from all the hair on his body. If potential rock babe has loads of body hair or more chest hair than Robert Plant, I can’t cope. The squee meter drops like a stone. I find this to be true for a lot of fan girls. For some reason a small body with hair in all the right places makes a lot of us die!
The hair. Do I need to say this? It has to be long!! I don’t mind so much about curl, although soft wavy curls are delicious! Just be sure your hair doesn’t look like something I could use in my kitchen to scrub pots and everything is fine on the squeeometer. For me, dark hair wins the day, with the one single exception of HRH Plant, the ONLY blonde I love. Apart from him, all my rock babes are dark haired. No squee over gobs of hair gel, shaved heads, wooly hats or strange hairstyles that defy the laws of gravity and color. Please let me run my fingers through a beautiful mane of lush hair – heavenly!
The hands. Hands are something I notice right away. You can’t help but notice them especially on the guitarist. Bitten nails, or dirty nails – take off several squee points!! Personally, I really have a thing for long nails on guys. When Robert Plant had them I thought I would never recover…and Jimmy had a long thumb nail on his fret hand…oh my….I’ll have to leave it to your imagination why this is so for me. The other great thing about hands is lovely long fingers on big hands…SQUEEEEEEE!!!!! And rock gods, please use your hands in a sexy way onstage. No one has done it as well as Jimmy and his theremin playing, or Robert waving his hands around while singing – still…you may never be as sexy as them, but don’t stick your middle finger up, scratch your bottom or pick your nose!!!
The clothes. So important! You have to have style, but not be a fashion victim. Baggy, falling off stuff, shoes with tags left on, make-up, tons of spandex, headbands – please!!! And trying to imitate another group more famous than you doesn’t work either. All I think is how much better rock stars ‘A’ looked than you. It’s kind of hard to define this, because if your babe has passed all the previous hurdles, he can pretty much wear anything and we will adore it! Slash looked so sexy in his flannel unbuttoned shirts, the killer chaps and tophat!!! Robert Plant destroyed me in his ultra tight jeans and girls shirts (also unbuttoned), Steven Tyler pulled off lycra and lots of scarves…yum! The strangest to explain has to be Jimmy Page…how on earth he managed to wear plaid pants, little sweater vests with shirts that didn’t match, scarves tied in big bows and look so drop dead sexy I can’t figure out. But the Dragon Suit…omg…no thinking required! I still dream about it. Frequently. It is the sexiest outfit in the history of rock and roll to me. And oh yes, that 69 sewed on the hip of his trousers…I know it didn’t actually mean that but what else could you think of when confronted with so much hotness??
So those are the basics. The talent, the lyrics, the look, pull all that together and you are guaranteed to have squee coming your way! Maybe more than you can handle! Next time we will start our Advanced Squee class and dissect our babes even more…mmmmm sounds yummy! Rest up girlfriends!