Liveblogging a low

It feels like a punch in the gut when it happens. A dull ache spreads throughout my body and it feels like the lights are slowly being dimmed. I feel pressure in my throat. Just a little tightness as if I was wearing a polo neck. The dull ache feels like a swelling darkness and the pressure starts to build behind my eyes. There’s no point trying to stop it then, I know I have to cry.

This is how a low goes. Its trigger is irrelevant as it can often be the most innocent harmless thing. If the part of my brain that controls my emotions wants me to go through a low, it will put me through one, even if it has to find things for me to get upset about that don’t even exist.

I used to try and distract my way through these times by playing music. I found it just became more noise. These days I prefer to cut off as much external stimulation as possible. I need peace to work my way through this. This is the first time I’ve tried to write about it as it’s happening. The dull ache came shortly after Michael left to go back to work after lunch. It spread quickly this time, only pausing briefly in my throat but soon pouring out of me in tears.

The crying has eased off. Eyes and face feel raw. I return to music as a song has come into my head.

This is a low/but it won’t hurt you.

This is depression. I’m just going to let it do its thing for a while. Sometimes the only way out is through.