I’m not too chipper at the moment. The (mostly self-inflicted) pressure to get fit has been getting to me. I’m tired, grumpy, and lacking motivation for even the most basic things. I’m fine messing around at home, but pull me away from my haven and it’s a different story.

I did, for a while, really enjoy the gym and exercise classes. But once I’d signed up for a membership paid by monthly direct debit it became worse than a commitment, it became an obligation. I had to go at least twice a week or else I was wasting money. But to be honest, the novelty had worn. I was tired of trying to keep up with everyone else and failing. I was tired of being the one who had to do most of the Boxfit session sitting down. I was tired of being “the brave one”.

Meanwhile, the Race For Life looms over me like a grinning pink lycra-clad loon with too much make-up. The idea of battling through crowds and having waves of whooping pink girlies pile past me as I struggle to get to the first kilometre mark fills me with dread. I suspect that, as was once the case with food, I have bitten off far more than I can chew.

I realised where I’ve been going wrong with exercise. I’ve been doing what I thought would impress other people, not what’s right for me. I’ve been trying hard to impress the decision makers, the funders, the surgeons and the other professionals. But only I know how I feel, and I’ve got a good handle now on knowing when I’m full and when I’m working hard. I don’t need validation anymore, which is good because that’s getting bloody tiring. So, over the past few days I have re-evaluating everything to try and find a more suitable playground between the outer edges of my comfort zone and the inner edge of insanity. I want to be aware that I’m doing something positive, but not to the point where I’m putting myself at any risk of injury or committing to things I stand no chance of sticking to.

I don’t think this will ever be set in stone. It’s going to change by the day. My willpower is malleable. It’s not definite and absolute and just because I don’t feel up for doing something one day doesn’t mean I won’t be another. I don’t know whether I’ll make it to the finish (or even the start) line for the Race For Life. I don’t know when I’ll set foot in the leisure centre again, but what I do know is every day I will consider how I feel physically and mentally and push myself accordingly. One day at a time.

• Abandoned Taunton

Coke or Pepsi?

All taken with my old Asahi Takumar 50mm f/1.4 lens, from 1971.

This is where I started:

I took quite a lot of photos, so I’ll post them bit by bit. I’ll tag them all, so they can be found together here when they’re posted:

• Abandoned Taunton 2013-04-21

It rained for a while, but I just sat in the car, and read an article all about Sriracha, which was quite interesting. When the rain stopped, I took more rusty photos.

Sam’s Post Operative Wish List

• Get a flight up to Newcastle-upon-Tyne to meet up with my glorious Northern friends and family. Including the sister I have yet to meet.
• Have a relaxing soak in the Roman Baths at Bath.
• Finally get myself a North Face coat.
• And BUY ALL THE CLOTHES!!!
• See Slash and Metallica in concert.
• Get a job as a Healthcare Assistant at one of the hospitals.
• Do the Big Dream Holiday – New York City and Chicago.
• Meet Anthony & Ottavia Bourdain.
• Meet the Hairy Bikers again.
• Go to Big Gay Ice Cream… And order coffee.
• Go to the Eden Project.
• Go on long, scenic walks with Michael.
• Visit France, Germany and Barcelona.
• Enjoy a long, hot bath.
• Go back to my Boxfit class and NOT be the big sack of awkward at the back.
• Swim!
• Ride a horse.
• Ride a motorbike.
• Ride my husband.
• Hire a day boat and go rowing up the Grand Western Canal.
• Use public transport without feeling embarrassed.
• Run a 5k.

The cynic in me sees dreams a waste of mental energy, and a guaranteed way of putting the kibosh on anything I hope to achieve. But the fluffier, more positive side of me knows that dreams can evolve into ambitions, into goals and then into actual experiences.

This operation will give me a chance to do so many things I never thought would be possible. And I’m going to make damn sure that a) I do the best I can to be as healthy as I can and b) I make the most of the opportunities open to me when I get there and finally c) I do what I can to help others on the same journey.

I’m really excited. I know there are going to be some tough times up ahead – especially when I have to do the pre-op diet and would rather chew off my own hand than have another salad. But when that happens, I shall just look back on this list and remind myself why I’m putting myself through it.