PigPog

There’s a new motor reviewer in town, and he’s as sexeh as the car he’s reviewing…

Philip Glenister Reviews the Aston Martin DB9 V12 Volante

Hubba Hubba Hubba Hubba Hubba!! (that’s three hubbas for Phil and two for the car)

“Do something funny for money”, they said. And being a keen supporter of Comic Relief, and having a particular fondness for being silly, I had to oblige. So I got together with the lovely Katrina and we arranged a few special Red Nose Day treats at Tiverton’s Slimming World meetings.

And of course, I had to raid the dressing-up box again. Well, something funny was going on at Slimming World, and someone had to go in and investigate.

So, ably assisted by DI Drake, a raid took place on the 5pm group in the hope of finding out why people go to these meetings and gradually disappear, and to raise a bit of cash for Red Nose Day.

Of course, we know why people who go to these meetings gradually disappear. I’ve been gradually disappearing myself for a while now (let’s just gloss over those bits that reappeared…). As for the cash, we raised over £200.

Big thanks to everyone who helped made this a success – particularly Annabel, who came over from Dorset to play DI Drake and cover The Guv’s lines when my voice, like the people at the meeting, gradually disappeared. Damn lurgy.

Meanwhile, on the subject of DCI Hunt, the wonderful Philip Glenister did a fine old job of bringing the funny for the money on Red Nose Day. Check out his fine turn as Pierce Brosnan in French & Saunders’ parody of Mamma Mia.

Part One – the National Television Awards

This was my big treat after the house was sold. A trip to the Big Smoke to meet some of my fellow rrrumpettes from Luigi’s, the place I while away many an evening squeeing over the brilliance of the TV show Ashes to Ashes and the charms of the insanely talented and really rather attractive actor Philip Glenister.

I travelled down to London on Wednesday morning, and met some of the girls at Paddington Station. We went off for lunch at the posh hotel I was staying in, where many a giggle was had at the expense of the poncy menu. “Noisettes of lamb with drizzle of jus? Bugger that, bring us fishcakes and chips!” And any excuse to throw in lines from the show – “LUIGI! Another bottle of your house rubbish! Grassy-arse!”

After lunch we headed over to the Royal Albert Hall, a mere two minute walk from my hotel. And that’s where I met the rest of the girls, and took up residence at our spot near the red carpet.

The Luigi’s Ladies are known by their trademark red balloons, each decorated with lines from the show. We are also known by our beverage of choice. As shown here by the lovely Gem:

It was a cold night, and it was recommended we all wrapped up warm, in lots of layers with a nice warm woolly coat on top. I swear this was the only outfit I could think of that was appropriate:

However, as the evening went on my bottle gradually went, so the tie and leather gloves were quickly dispensed with, and I went for my equally eccentric ATV t-shirt.

As darkness fell over the Royal Albert Hall and was replaced by the warming beam of the floodlights, the crowds built up with members of the public lucky enough to have tickets, and as time went on, the celebrities began to file in.

Fun as it was shouting for Ant & Dec, Babs Windsor and Paul O’Grady, we were there for one celeb and one celeb only, and after about an hour he arrived.

If you’re wondering how I reacted on seeing him “in the flesh” for the first time, I did stand there for a while, muttering “Ohmygodohmygodohmygod” over and over, calming down just before heading into “OMGOMGOMG!!!!111!!PONIEZ!!”. Just.

At this point I would like to offer a big bucket o’wispas and thanks to the wonderful neonsox, who told me to get in front of her because I hadn’t been before and I needed to get his autograph. So I was right at the barrier when he came over. I decided to get some snaps, and then hopefully an autograph. Snaps I managed, but he was being dragged away by his coat-tails after signing for the others, and having the obligatory kiss with genesgeni.

To which I responded “That’s three times now! You greedy bugger!”

We decided to wait it out through the show and see if we could catch him again on the way out. While the gongs were being handed out inside the Royal Albert Hall, we took a walk back to my hotel in time to see the Legend that is The Stig accept the award for best Factual programme on behalf of his minions.

Back at the barrier we waited on news of Philip’s category, Best Drama Performance. He didn’t win, losing out to David (insert expletive here) Tennant. It made us more determined to stay put and catch him again, to remind him that “a sizeable rump of intelligent women” still think he’s the best thing since sliced Bollinger.

In spite of aches and extreme cold I stayed with the girls and waited it out. It was worth it. When we spotted Philip’s wife, the adorable Beth Goddard, we called over and I managed to speak to her. I had with me the issue of Slimming World magazine I was featured in back in the summer, when we had our own special Man of the Year Party and I went dressed as Gene Hunt. Since Philip had headed straight off for the bar, I thought I’d ask Beth to sign it anyway, as it would still be a very nice motivational tool for the future. She read the little article that mentioned my 10 stone weight loss, looked over her should for Philip, and called him over.

“Have you got my wife?” He said as he approached us. Now, you’ll have to excuse me at this point. I can’t quite recall the actual words as I was just experiencing a massive squee overload, and when that sense is overloaded, other things get overlooked like hearing, and memory. I think Beth explained what the magazine piece was about, and then he signed. All I can remember is saying “Thank You” over and over and over and now, in hindsight, I’m somewhat concerned I sounded like Perry, friend of Kevin the Teenager… “Fank yoo Mister Glenister, I really like you on the telly…”

Having got exactly what I wanted, I didn’t see the point in hanging around on the off-chance I might catch another glimpse of Simon Cowell (surprisingly, quite a nice bloke). I floated on my squee cloud back to my hotel, and proceeded to empty the mini-bar until I got to sleep.

Coming up in Part Two – the Luigi’s Ladies tour Ashes to Ashes locations and indulge in a couple of re-enactments.

There is an opportunity to change the world for the better.  A chance to lift one person to their rightful place, head and shoulders above his contemporaries, getting the recognition he deserves for the work he’s done and to spur him on to continue.

So when you vote, vote right.

Vote for Philip Glenister for Best Drama Performance at the National Television Awards.

Oh, and as for that other vote thing… I’d go for Obama.  Seems like a nice bloke.

This bit of brain fluff was created a few weeks ago during our downtime… er… enjoy…

(INT – DAY – SAM approaches Slimming World scales)

SAM – My name is Sam Randall. I’ve just eaten a pizza and that slice of pepperoni has taken me back to over 18 stone. I may be four stone away from target, or four stone away from the cardiac unit. All I know is I have to keep fighting. Fight to live, fight to get in a size 16, fight to get slim.

“Venetian Blind” cut to BOB (black Honda CRV) turning sharply in St John’s School Car Park, driven by DCI PIGPOGM.

Various shots of SAM from lardy pre-SW wedding photo to Greatest Loser pics, drinking wine and then grimacing on the scales. Caption “Sam Randall”.

Cut to more aggressive driving shots of DCI PIGPOGM, caption “Michael Randall”.

Grinning bouncing, pointing and clapping from DCI BARKER, caption “Katrina Barker”.

Crowd shot of the Thursday 5pm group “Slimming World”

Shot of the “Sizeable Rump” thread, caption “The Rrrrrrrrumpettes at Luigi’s”

Finish on shot of SAM getting ‘er arse stamped as a new and bizarre way of inducting target members.

DCI PIGPOGM – “Right then, Tesco-Cheap-Chardonnay-Knickers, what’s for tea?”

*Looks around*

Cor. What pigpogm lacks in real world decorating skills he more than makes up for around these parts. I am loving this new layout, and it’s really nice to be back with WordPress. In making the decision as to where to take the site next, Michael contemplated many different options, but I’m glad he chose this one.

So, time for a catch-up…

Work

Gah. My least favourite four-letter word. My quest to find exciting, fulfilling employment continues, and although I have found what I think will be my ideal job, it’s going to be a little while before I can go for it. In the meantime, I needed to get out of the job I had for personal reasons. We all have our dark times, moments in our lives that we really don’t need to be reminded of. The job I had reminded me of some personal bad times all the time. It didn’t make sense to stay. I am very grateful to Carol, my line manager, and Ann, my co-worker, for their understanding and support, and I will miss them. Tomorrow, I return to the job I had before – phone numpty. Oh dear. At least it’s only temporary.

Slimming World

This has not been going well. My motivation has been way off, and I’ve been more interested in eating chocolate and drinking wine than sticking to plan and losing weight. Fortunately, the wonderful Katrina gave me a few suggestions on how to get through this and on Thursday I became a Target Member. I have been acting as if I’ve been at target for a long time, this just makes it official, but it is only temporary. At Slimming World you have your final target, and two or three interim targets. I didn’t know when I passed my first interim target back in December that I could do this, take a breather, and go back to it when I was ready. Had I known that I may have saved myself a fair amount of hassle. So I’m now having some time to sit back and enjoy the fact that I am still over 130lb lighter than when I started, and gently taking myself back to plan. I’m hoping that moving back to my old job will help with this, the ability to switch off at the end of a day should help me to calm down a bit. The journey, as ever, continues…!

Other stuff

I’m looking forward to September. So many great things happening:

• I’m going to help out with some promotion stuff for Slimming World.

• It’s been a long time coming, but they’ve finally cracked it:

Metallica’s first album with Rob on bass.  From the footage on Mission Metallica it sounds like the boys are in fine fettle and Mr Hetfield is as gloriously growly as ever.  Can’t wait to hear it! \m/

• And there’s a slight possibility of some worthwhile telly again as Team Glenister begin their squee training in preparation for The Last Van Helsing, due in ‘Autumn’.  Unfortunately ITV seem more keen on announcing when the new series of X-Factor starts than telling us any more information than that.

• While we’re talking about Mr Glenister, we’re all excited over at Luigi’s because in September, filming starts on series 2 of Ashes to Ashes.  Hopefully Deano will keep us updated on that lovely blog of his.

Alright, that’s enough blether from me for now.  Off for a walk across town now to see Senorita Kat Hootas give it the (flugal) ‘orn at West Exe Park.  Rock, and indeed, roll.

It’s been a long time since I had a bloomin’ good old fashioned squee in my blog. Mainly because as soon as I began acting like a recycled teenager I shifted my rock star squee to its own special spot. That was fine until a huge great bolt of squee hit me when I didn’t expect it. Why didn’t I expect it? Well, he’s not a rock star, he doesn’t have huge great floofy hair, and when I first clapped eyes on him, I thought he was an offensive chauvinist pig.

Then I saw him reverse his Cortina down an alley with a bacon butty dangling out of his mouth. I was hit by the second raise of his eyebrows.

Yes, count me among the ranks of women around the world asking…

Gene Hunt… why does he drive me crazy?

I could just about hold myself during Life on Mars – there, as imagined by the comatose Sam Tyler, Gene was as brutish as the aftershave he splashed all over himself, oddly fascinating but very much your archetypal 70s man.

Now, in the just-finished Ashes to Ashes the same man is (allegedly) imagined by a woman, and it’s quite a different story…

Yeah. It’s even worse when he’s wearing the coat, as demonstrated here on Philip Glenister’s official site.

So what is it that makes the Gene Genie so damn squeeworthy? Is it Philip causing the squee? Well, although Mr G clearly is a fine looking chap, it’s more to do with his performance as Gene – presence, his humour, and the strength and passion in the character. It’s a primeval, animal thing, that need to have a strong man protecting the cave, and you know within five minutes of looking at him, that DCI Gene Hunt (aka the Manc Lion) will keep all manner of nonces and scumbags from your door.

Oh, enough attempts at justifying it. He just gives me the ‘orn.

Ashes to Ashes was 8 hours of fantastic TV, filled with drama, humour and squee by the bucketload. Kudos to all involved, especially the aforementioned Philip Glenister and of course, er, Kudos. Roll on 1982!

It’ll be the first time for a while our telly has been switched on for anything other than exercise DVDs and Stig Watching. I would celebrate appropriately, but I had ‘oops for me dinner last night.

• Ashes to Ashes
• Philip Glenister’s Blog