Home :: Squee 102, Advanced Squee 3: Squee-mergency Management

Every year, thousands of women suffer from injuries brought on by the massive hotness of guitar babes. Take Sam. Look what happened to her when she posted a pic of Slash in her last post:

*“Flaargle mhinmno sahhh fliiiifff… flooof! Flaaa….Humenahhumenah… ahhhh…*

Would you know what to do if your friend was suffering in this way? Or if you found yourself alone in this state with no help to hand? Squee-mergencies can happen anytime, and you need to know what to do in the grip of a squee-mergency situation. Hyperventilating, with racing pulse and high blood pressure, babbling incoherently, many squee victims black out and collapse in a heap under the influence of guitar babe hotness. Don’t let this happen to you! With a few simple precautions you and your friends can enjoy your squee in relative safety.

I suffer from episodes of debilitating squee, so I developed some techniques to help lessen the impact of having to deal with the colossally sexy Mr. Page. Here are my top Le Sex survival tips, which also work for any other yummy guitar men too:

  • Try to avoid caffeine or alcohol. They will only add to the dehydration problem I will suffer from all the drooling Jimmy induces.

  • Avoid doing anything strenuous pre-Pagey. He’s A LOT to handle, so I need to be totally rested before attempting any Jimmy related activity.

  • Eat energy boosting meals frequently. When dealing with The Jimmy, I really need energy to keep myself together and avoid fainting. I found chocolate or fruit helps! A little piece every now and then keeps me on an even keel. And a bonus with the chocolate, while it melts in my mouth, I can think of…well…Jimmy some more! Mmmmmmmm…. But be very careful here because sometimes this will actually make the squee worse. For example, plum yogurt is WAY OFF LIMITS as an energy boosting food for me while Jimmy viewing, so know yourself and be careful!

  • Head to the cold shower. Simple but effective, unless I have been staring at Jimmy sexiness for too long already. If I have, as soon as the water hits me, it will just turn into steam. This problem can be avoided by having a spray bottle handy to keep my temperature down to safe levels, and then, when the inevitable Jimmy fire flashover hits, the shower will work.

  • Drink plenty of water, even if you don’t feel thirsty. I usually DO feel thirsty looking at Jimmy…and hungry…ravenously hungry…but I constantly try and remind myself that dehydration is a big risk with Pagey Doll hotness, so if I am alone, I prepare beforehand by having lots of water bottles handy.

  • Watch the weather. In summer, I plan ahead and try to look at my most dangerously hot Pagey pics between 4am and 7am. These are the coolest hours of the day, so it’s a smart move to reserve some of his seriously flammable pictures for viewing then. In winter I can simply go outside and sit in a rain shower, snowdrift or something.

  • Inform family and friends. If I am going to be Jimmy squeeing, I try to let someone know beforehand so if they do not hear from me in a while, they can check and see if I am still conscious. I tell them where to find ice packs, the oxygen tank, smelling salts and other necessaries. This will save time when I am in the throws of total Jimmy Jimmy meltdown.

  • Keep air circulating around you at all times. This is a must where Jimmy is concerned, and especially if I am watching a DVD. Oh my…this one of the most dangerous Jimmy activities to undertake! I cannot stress enough the dangers of the bow, his cute little dances, that smile, playing the theramin, or dripping hot in that dragon suit…he is extremely dangerous!!! The Jimmy is so hot he can fell you in a matter of seconds, so fast you have no time to even call for help! Certainly not a suitable activity for beginners, so know your limits. Build up to it watching him on a DVD and you’ll avoid a lot of problems.

  • If you find yourself completely overwhelmed, don’t panic. A walk-in freezer is such a handy thing for combating overwhelming Pagey heat exhaustion, but if you place a large fan near you and sit under a wet towel that will work just as well. I also find a large cup of ice to suck on and drop inside my clothes really helpful too.

Learn to deal effectively with a squeemergency, and you could save someone’s life! These simple steps also work for viewing all other GuitarPr0n hotties…Robert Plant, Slash, Steven Tyler, James Hetfield, Brian May – whoever you find that pushes your squee button! Happy squee! And, let’s be careful out there…