To us folks on the duller side of the Atlantic, Martha Stewart is another one of those gifts from American popular culture; a woman who is mentioned often in sitcoms and episodes of the Simpsons, apparently the poster girl for domestic perfection. Apart from that time she spent in jail, but that didn’t appear to tarnish her image as a true domestic goddess.
My curiosity was tickled when I received an email from Staples this morning advertising the “Martha Stewart Home Office” line. Has the divine Ms Stewart agreed to impart her wisdom to us dishevelled, poorly organised Brits? I clicked through to find out more, hoping there’d be a “Martha Stewart sorts out all your crap” pack, containing everything I’d need to tame my wild surroundings and at last become a proper woman with a proper home. I could entertain, throw dinner parties, have people over to stay, and they’d all beam with delight at my beautifully-kept, highly organised abode.
“Martha knows what to do, Martha will help…” I muttered as I looked through her range of products (produced in association with Avery – well, we know they’re cool, they once used Tyler Durden’s address on packaging for their sticky labels).
Everything’s pastel. Soft delicate shades for soft delicate people. The exact colour that I would wreck after one hefty session on the oil pastels. Ooh, journals. Let’s look…
Record your thoughts or plan special projects with our line of beautiful journals. Each premium shagreen…
(WTF is “shagreen”?)
…journal contains special content from Martha Stewart.
OK… a bit of guidance in a journal can often help you dig deeper on the tougher days, what sage advice does she have to offer?
Keeping an entertaining journal is a great way to make future hosting easier. Use it to record successful recipes and menus, decorating ideas, and guest lists for your reference.
Hm. My idea of an ‘entertaining’ journal is to see how many f-bombs I can drop in one page. OK, not for me, so what else is there?
Kraft labels for your homemade pickles? Chalkboard labels for your stowed away baby clothes? Outdoor labels for your immaculate recycling bin? Boxes for storing the creative output of your precious brood?
This is starting to look like a product line for American Beauty‘s Mrs Burnham. You remember how the handle on her pruning shears matched her gardening clogs? How that wasn’t an accident? Well wherever Mrs B is now you can bet she’s got a bit of Martha Stewart Home Office in her home.
So is this stuff for the likes of me? Is it the lifesaver I was hoping for? I’m pretty certain it’s a ‘no’ on both counts. However, that won’t stop me having a closer look next time I’m in Staples. I doubt I’ll be buying any of it though, as far as domestic deities go, I shall remain a filthy heathen for quite some time.